What do you do when your dreams fall apart? How do you respond to God when He says "no", especially to something that seems so right?
Disappointment 101
A year or so into our marriage, I remember telling some friends at a weekly breakfast that my biggest fear in life was not being able to have kids. Carri and I have always loved children, and we would often dream together about the day when we would have our own. I imagine that we were like most newlyweds, assuming that parenthood would happen relatively easily. Little did we know we were about to embark on a long and difficult journey of faith.
Disappointment and even tragedy are doors that we all walk through in varying degrees. Life as we know it comes to a screeching halt as the consequences of our fallen world work their way to our corner of creation. Your doctor tells you that it's cancer. An accident robs the life of someone you love. Your job security vanishes.
You can't bring children into the world.
Over a period of six years we endured countless doctor visits, read infertility books, sought counsel, prayed and asked others to do the same. We lost six children in the earliest stages of their lives because of something called ectopic pregnancy. Sadness, confusion, despair and anger were regular visitors to our home. We pleaded with God to be merciful to us like he was to Hannah, and mustered every last ounce of hope that we would bring a healthy baby into the world. God said no.
Thus ensued the greatest test of our faith: do we continue to cling to God's promises, even when they seem contrary to our experience? Should we still love, trust and obey the One who has slammed shut the door to our greatest desires? How could we keep following and serving this kind of a God? One Bible passage captures the answer that sustained us:
From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. "You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."
Where else were we going to go? Carri and I both could remember what life was like apart from Christ. We could also look back over the years and see our Lord's goodness to us. But most importantly, we identified with Peter's magnificent statement of faith: "We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." We are convinced that the Bible is true, and therefore God is worthy of our trust - even in the midst of life's greatest disappointments.
Starting Over
In the Fall of 2002 we tried our last medical procedure, which was unsuccessful. It was time to grieve the end of this dream and begin the next chapter in our journey to become parents: adoption. We were both excited about a new hope and anxious about all of the unknowns and the potential for more disappointment. We started researching and praying about adopting a child from Russia.
Within a few weeks we got an unexpected call about an opportunity to adopt a little boy from the US, and switched gears with cautious optimism. We did the home studies, filled out the paperwork and played phone tag with the lawyers. Several weeks from bringing the precious little one into our home, we got the devastating call that the adoption would not happen: one of the birth parents changed their mind. We had just finished setting up the crib in the baby room.
"Lord, we can't take much more of this!" we cried out. Once again the doubts and questions about our God's character crept into our minds, and once again we had to fight them off with the truth of his Word.
Back to international adoption. The paperwork and home study were different, so we had to start over. Why in the world would God allow us to get that close to adopting a boy, only to be left disappointed and back at square one? The answer was just around the corner...
The Call
It was Memorial Day, 2003. We returned from a cookout with a church group to find a message from our home study lady. There was a young woman who had just given birth to a baby boy and was looking for a couple to adopt him. She and her family were looking for 3 very specific things in the adoptive parents:
- They must be Bible-believing Christians
- They must not already have children
- They must be able to bring the child into their home as soon as possible
Obviously we fit the first two. However, there is much legal red tape to complete before being able to bring a child into your home. This usually takes weeks, if not months.
We finally began to see a glimpse of God's plan: we had jumped through all of the hoops with the previous failed adoption, and were in the unusual position of being able to bring this child home immediately. We learned that several families were interested as well, and tried our best to maintain a cautious optimism.
The next day we met with the family and the baby whom the birth mother had named Malachi (Hebrew for "angel of God"). How hard it was to resist falling in love with him as we held him! The next night we received one of the greatest gifts of our lives: the birth mother called to say that God had made it clear to their whole family: we were meant to be Malachi's parents!
The Wait is Over
In two days, the precious little child was in our home. Thanks to our state's adoption laws, it took almost 7 more months for him to legally be our son, but we were more than willing to wait. We gave him the name Jacob Malachi, a name filled with precious significance to us. We kept Malachi as a tribute to the great courage and sacrificial love displayed by Jacob's birth mother. We named him Jacob after a man who long ago wrestled with the living God.
This was a man who, like all of us, had many serious flaws and was unworthy of God's favor. He was facing the most intense trial of his entire life, and he chose to take his burden to God. What he got in return was a wrestling match! Probably not what he expected. Amazingly, Jacob wrestled all night with God, and because of his perseverance and the abundant grace of our Lord, he received great blessing.
We can identify. Words can't begin to express our love for Jacob and gratitude to God. It's amazing how our son's arrival has begun to melt away the years of pain. God doesn't always show us in this life why he takes us through intense trials. Surely, the primary purpose is always to develop our character. However, we are so very fortunate in that every day we get enjoy the other reason why God had us wait so long.
This is the reason!
